please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Randomize
