he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
And then he peed in my hair
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
