I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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