if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My liver is preforming stress tests.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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