So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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