Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
My underwear smells like fireworks.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
