so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
