we have officially lost it.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
