My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
