I am spending my child support on dildos
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I have tasted many bathrooms
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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