i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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