i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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