I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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