i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
