I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
