he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
