um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
So here I am, sexting at work.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
