I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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