I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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