his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
