last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
