Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
How does it feel to date your dad?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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