why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
