OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
