Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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