so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I think I have vodka in my lungs
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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