$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
