do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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