420 ftw
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
