Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
