Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
