I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
