there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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