I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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