i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
