Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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