sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
