my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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