Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
