I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
