I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
