There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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