I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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