Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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