When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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