i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
