No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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