but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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