Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Your penis caused this!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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