I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
