respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
