we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
